This holiday season I decided to give the ultimate selfless gift, I gave you the chance to vote on crappy Christmas movies that I should watch. I now know everything I need to about small-town holidays, fake monarchies and why I should leave a fulfilling job for someone I just met.
If you don’t have time to give every movie a watch, here are my official rankings complete with the mistletoe kiss rating system.
Merry and Bright (Hallmark)
This movie stars Jodie Sweetin, best known as Stephanie Tanner on Full House and Stephanie Tanner on Fuller House as the world’s worst businessperson. She runs a candy cane factory and doesn’t understand why her seasonal business can’t turn a profit. I was less invested in this movie than the New York City investors were in her product, so I didn’t know the names of any of the characters for the first hour and forty-five minutes.
Mistletoe Kisses: .5/5
Knight Before Christmas (Netflix)
Vanessa Hudgens is soaring and flying from High School Musical to Netflix Christmas movies but this one didn’t live up to the hype. This should have been oozing with camp but the movie tried to be Outlander and it didn’t work. I’m still trying to figure out how a man from the 1300s could even communicate with someone in 2019. I’m putting my faith in Princess Switch 2.
Mistletoe Kisses: 1/5
Once Upon a Holiday (Hallmark)
A princess of a fake European country decides she needs some me time and goes rogue in New York City. She’s never handled money or traveled on her own before so she instantly gets lost until she runs into someone who can show her the true NYC. Every fake holiday royal flick has to compete with A Christmas Prince, this one couldn’t keep up.
Mistletoe Kisses: 1/5
Holiday in the Wild (Netflix)
Hats off to Netflix for getting Kristin Davis and Rob Lowe in this one. When Kate’s husband leaves her like SECONDS after her son goes off to university, she goes to Zambia on her own. She meets Rob Lowe and stays at an elephant rehabilitation centre. The elephants are the real stars of the movie and Davis deserves kudos for putting an emphasis on conservation and ethical filming. This movie had one Christmas scene that seems like it was thrown in last minute.
Mistletoe Kisses: 2.5/5
A Christmas Prince (Netflix)
Amber Moore is a journalist looking for her big break and sneaks into fictional Aldovia’s palace to get the scoop on the future king, Richard. Instead she falls in love and changes the holiday movie genre as we know it. This was way more fun than I thought it would be and I appreciate a movie that doesn’t take itself too seriously. If you want to understand the obsession with these movies, start here.
Mistletoe Kisses: 3.5
Christmas Inheritance (Netflix)
A spoiled heiress is sent to her hometown that is actually called Snow Falls to learn about the true meaning of Christmas before taking over the family business. When a snowstorm hits, she learns the magic of community in this small town. This was a sweet movie and Jake Lacy did a lovely job of playing nice guy Jake Collins without making the character too perfect. Andie MacDowell also stars.
Mistletoe Kisses: 4
A Christmas Prince: The Royal Baby (Netflix)
A Christmas Prince franchise is back and better than ever. This one has it all: a royal baby, a curse, a brand-new country, the worst fake baby bump! I want this to become the Fast and Furious of mediocre holiday movies. I’m really looking forward to A Christmas Prince: Aldovia Drift. To quote the timeless movie itself, “No one does Christmas like the Aldovians.”
Mistletoe Kisses: However much mistletoe is at the Aldovian royal palace.